So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
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God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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