We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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