I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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