are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
