My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
