I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Terrible idea I love it
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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