what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just want to make out with him forever
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
