If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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