i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
