i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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