He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
