Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
