I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I know her cup size but not her name....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
