Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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