I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
