i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
