I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
