and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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