Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
