my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
