Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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