so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
