I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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