The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
