if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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