No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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