I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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