I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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