I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
