I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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