there's paper in my vomit.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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