Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
