I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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