of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
