Is it because I queefed?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
