So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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