garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
