Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
