Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
