i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
