Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
