I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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