At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
