he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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