apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
