This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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