Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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