a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
