hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
