Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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