first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
