I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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