Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
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I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
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party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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