I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
