Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
babies were throwing up all over the place
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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