I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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