I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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