from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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