I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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