I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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