I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
