I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
